psychobabble1.

sometimes although i try not to think of it, it just hits me so bad that it still gives me pain. i know i shouldnt, everything has been explained. its just that sometimes i really cant stop myself from thinking that it might happen again. (if youre clueless about what im saying, dont bother to think about it. i just want to blab. one of my psychobabble.) 

i know.i know.move on.

but i really dont know what stucks me in that situation, especially when i remember the night when i first heard of the bigsecret. i have written about this before, unfortunately i think god wont let me publish my tormentation because i accidentally deleted the post.( stupid.i know.) anyway, its been months now since it happened but god! its still haunting me, even in my dreams. its killing me. paranoia destroys my self esteem.my self worth. it eats up the whole me. sometimes i want to just die or hide in my secret place(if there was) i just want to be there and cry until theres no more tears left. i want to shout, hit my head with a big stone until i bleed to death. i just want to take away all the pain that i have. all the pain that im felling inside.all the pain that i shouldnt be feeling right now. i just want it gone, cause i know its no longer healthy for me. for us.insecure.yes. i still feel that, never in my entire life i felt this insecure. knowing my personality,but this time i felt that i was defeated. i dont know why, im not trying to compete against anyone or maybe yes. i dont know. (too many babbles, tears falling.)
maybe because he wrote for him once and it made me think would he write for me too? would he cry for me too? if yes. how?
ive been trying to feel okay because im trying to believe that i am. but i guess im not. ive said what i felt about it.. but how come im still stuck in this predicament?maybe
because..i have so many hang ups, i have so many emotions kept inside that have been dying to come out but i wont let it.
maybe
i still cant believe that someone could love me more than i could love myself.
maybe
because im trying to create my own ghost just to scare myself.
maybe
because i just need a real good cry.no questions asked.
maybe
because this time i got really hurt
and it cost me so much pain
or maybe because…
im really wrecked.
:’(
if only words can explain how much i really love him then you would understand.
i know he loves me more but i dont know why cant i let myself believe that now its just me.
i know.. i know the problem is within me.
if only i could fix myself.. if only i could, then i would. :’(i have already came to the point that i no longer like myself, im in the process of hating who iam.
what the heck is wrong with me..?? if youre reading this i know you wont understand..
maybe youll ask questions, dont let me answer them. cause trust me i dont understand myself either. i just want this pain to go away…..cause it hurts so much :’(god, please take it away, take away my tears..im begging you please.