Screwed up

MEMORIES

I love memories they keep us alive. Especially the happy ones, but memories makes us sad too. Do you love keeping memories? Me? i dont know anymore.

Im not pretty much a fan of the past. Not anymore since an incident happned last year in November. It changed so many things in me. I became insecure, I became more twisted and confusing to handle (as said by my boyfriend). It sort of gave me a trauma. My boyfriend explained that the reason for this was because it was mistakenly delivered to me. It gave me so much fright that I got stucked in a predicament of paranoia. I dont want to go into details anymore because everything has been said and done (i guess?). * laughs.

I have come to realize that making friends with the past is hard(pertaining to the idea of it, not the person). So many people will try to bring it up at one point, some will try to insist that its better before than now. So many nasty things that will just crush your heart. This made me doubt about my beliefs. it gave me so much pain, to describe it exactly.

I have been to busy thinking what could have been, if it wasnt me that’s here in this position. I have so many “what ifs”. I dont know when is this going to end, I just find it so hard to trust again. I know, im getting all the assurance that i need but still its hard for me to believe it.
Its almost a year now since it happened, its still fresh in my memory. I dont know how to end this misery, I guess i just need to let go. I know i need to. I just dont know how.

Now this question:If a memory was kept, does it mean that the person is still inlove to that person he/she got invoved with? are there chances for them to get back together? Damnit. because we keep memories in order to remember that person once in a while right? So if you dont have feelings for that person anymore, why keep it right?(call me selfish, il stab you. ahaha)

My friend and i had a little talk, I asked this question and he laughed. He told me that It doesnt necessarily mean that if a person keeps something from the past ,it already means that he/she is still inlove with that person. Its a totally wrong judgement because those were the good memories. It should be treasured. Just that. There will always be this special place in a man’s heart for those kind of things. He said.

Why didnt i think of that? God damnit, Maybe because im too busy getting jealous and feeling sorry for myself for nor reason at all.Pathetic i know. I just hate myself so much that if i can just kill myself i already did. More pathetic i know. I want to be over it. Haaay, I dont know anymore.

It gets old right, the issue? And im getting tired of it. So sick and tired of it.
i dont even know myself anymore, This is making me unhappy,jealous and god damn paranoid! This causes my relationship to fall in dip shit, because i know im the one creating reasons for it to fall apart and for the most unwanted things to happen.

See. I know the reasons of my insanity.

lalalalalalalalalal…. ♫ Just like in the lyrics of a song;
“I just dont know what to do with myself, I just dont know what to do..”
Im trying my very best to be a good person, Im trying to be the best girlfriend, but still I feel that im not good enough.

To quote Maggie, “Theres a distinct possibility that im profoundly and irreversibly screwed up!”
I just want to be okay, I just want to be the old me. In short I just want to be normal. Im not sorry for what im feeling because i know that i have my reasons,but if this is a crime, can you just Shoot me?

So do i have to hold on to the past? ♥